And This Is The Sentiment of The Hour
by Kathey27
Summary: Stefan and the love letters that are his life. / Or, Stefan knows of love all of five times in his long, long existence. The first one is Damon because dear God is it impossible not to love that boy once you get started. He loves him darkly and desperately and it's disgusting, disturbing really, how much he'd do for that boy. How far he'd go.


**A/N: I now ship Stefan/Elena because really, it was only a matter of time.**

**They're like Scott/Allison, HOW CAN YOU _NOT_ SHIP IT?!**

**And yes, I know I left the ending open to interpretation; you pick whatever suits you.**

**And on the side, this is very much non-linear.**

**Disclaimer: Do I even have to fill this part out anymore?**

**xxxxxx**

"Let's say you've swallowed a bad thing and now it's

got its hands inside you. This is the essence of love and failure. You see

what I mean but you're happy anyway, and that's okay, it's a love story

after all."

- Richard Siken, _You Are Jeff_**  
**

**xxxxxx**

**and this is the sentiment of the hour:**

Stefan knows of love all of five times in his long, long existence.

The first one is Damon because dear God is it impossible not to love that boy once you get started. He loves him darkly and desperately and it's disgusting, disturbing really, how much he'd do for that boy. How far he'd go.

The second one is Katherine because when she touches him it feels like an inferno filling his insides and damn if that's just not the best feeling. He loves her hungrily yet softly and it's an all consuming love; it fills his insides and tears away at his soul and really, it figures this love would end with his death. It figures.

The third one is Lexi because there is no escaping that girl once you get onto her radar. He loves her soothingly and teasingly and it hurts him, the fact that she's every thing he wants to be but never will be able to touch because she is good and pure and deserves better than him.

The fourth one is Elena and this is the one that kills him. Because she is so damn easy to love and it's terrifying really, how fast and hard he falls. He loves her purely and beautifully and tries his best not to taint her because although she's Katherine, she _isn't_ and she deserves the whole freakin' world. He loves her until the darkness takes over.

The fifth one is Caroline because that snarky blonde is just too easy to love. It's almost as easy as loving Elena and he loves the girl selfishly and lovingly and he wants to protect her, wants to keep her pure and safe and away from the rotting mess that is the rest of his life. He fails. _Obviously._

These are the five people that he loves more than anything in the world. These are the people he will always, no matter what, die for. The ones he'll always choose.

(Except Damon's already dead inside, Katherine's been dead for a long while, inside and out, Lexi died by his brother's hand, Elena's on her way to death and Caroline died by a stranger wearing her best friend's face).

This is his life.

xxxxxx

Stefan wants to be the good guy in this story. He really, really does. He wants to step back and let Elena and Damon finish gravitating towards each other because he owes his brother this. He owes him something good and perfect and Elena. He wants to love them both enough to let go. He wants to be the noble hero in the end of this tale.

Except this is real life. And in real life, love isn't like that. Love isn't patient and kind and selfless.

Love is cruel and harsh and greedy and desperate and _bloody_. That much he knows.

He doesn't have it in him to step back and watch the love of his life once again lean into his brother.

(_She's dead ringer for – _)

No.

( – _Katherine_)

xxxxxx

Stefan picks himself up after Katherine. (_slowly_).

He picks himself up with blood and sex and broken bones and the curdling screams of women. He molds himself into something fierce and chaotic and vicious and brilliant.

(He makes sure no one can ever hurt him again).

xxxxxx

Caroline, sweet, sweet Caroline gazes up at him with such sad, tired eyes and pleads with him through a bloody, perfect mouth _please please don't let me become a monster please please save my soul_.

He holds her tight to him and promises her and himself that he'll make sure she's better than he ever was.

xxxxxx

Stefan loses himself. Again.

Loses himself to the darkness and blood and lust and all that he swore he'd never again be.

And damn him if it isn't just _the best feeling in the whole world._

xxxxxx

He kisses Elena hungrily and softly and slowly and tries to make all the touches and moments last because he knows he can't keep her.

He can't keep her because she's too good for him. Too bright and amazing and she's out of his reach, out of his orbit. She is everything he can never let himself want too much. She is his soul.

(He tries to hold on for as long as he can anyways).

xxxxxx

Lexi tries to save him. She shapes him up and picks him up and brushes him off and tells him _you have to want it badly enough to want to fight for it_. And he wants it. He _does_. He wants to be better, he wants to be good, do good. Repay his sins and his past actions and try to move on and be a better person than who he was before. He wants to be _better_.

Lexi slams him against a wall and tells him _try again_.

xxxxxx

Caroline can't bear to look at him.

Stefan can tell that it's almost a physical ache for her to even be around him.

And he gets this, he does. He let her down, he broke so many promises, all of his promises and he doesn't deserve her. No, he doesn't deserve someone as amazing and loyal and brilliant as her for a friend. She was so good to him and fought for him and tried to keep Elena by his side and even when no one else believed in him, she _did._

Now…she can't even meet his eyes.

xxxxxx

Damon is his brother and he loves him. He loves him so much it scares him sometimes.

But he doesn't love him enough, or better yet, loves him _too_ _much_ to give up Elena.

Because, you see, they're making Elena into Katherine. They're repeating history so damn smoothly and to the t that it's actually quite frightening to him. They are once more fighting over a Petrova woman and it is tearing them apart, just when they had finally managed to put themselves back together and it is killing her.

He can see it in her eyes that it kills her to have to pick sides and be careful who she talks to and he knows how this is going to end.

This is a story that's already been written, already been planned out, finished.

This is a story that ends with death.

xxxxxx

Caroline leans into him, brushes his hand with hers and says evenly, "i thought you'd be my forever at one point".

He doesn't reply.

"but no…you're elena's forever."

He leans back into her.

xxxxxx

Lexi, when things get quiet and it's safe to speak, tells him, "it won't always be like this. one day you'll find someone. someone with just the right amount of _something_ to make you want to be better, make you want to be stronger".

Stefan leans back into his chair and tries to ignore the draining feeling of the last remains of human blood leaving his system.

xxxxxx

Elena looks up at him with eyes that are burning with anger and hatred and grief and pain and it still amazes him, even now, even after it all, how he can evoke such emotion in her.

"I don't even know who you are anymore."

He lets a smile grace his lips because if he's going to be thought of as an uncaring bastard he might as well act like one. "Sweetheart you never did."

xxxxxx

Katherine rakes her nails across his chest and licks away at the blood there, lapping and sucking and kissing and grinning.

"You're such a good boy." She murmurs against his skin and it makes his heart beat_ just that bit faster _when she falls asleep on his chest.

xxxxxx

Damon throws an arm over Stefan's shoulder and sighs around his bourbon because _come on stefan, it's five o'clock somewhere._

Stefan allows it because this is the first time in weeks they've so much as talked and he craves his brother, no matter how much he pretends he doesn't.

xxxxxx

"You don't have to pretend with me." Caroline whispers one night after a very bad hunt.

He's leaning against the wall across from her, covered in blood and trying very hard not to go on a rampage. It shouldn't be this hard. Not anymore. Not after so long.

She reaches for his hand and intertwines their fingers. "I know who you are."

xxxxxx

If he allows himself to think about it for too long, he'll go mad.

He'll go mad thinking about how it all could have been avoided. You see, if he had been there with Caroline in the parking lot she would have never gotten kidnapped. If she'd never gotten kidnapped, Damon would have never gone to save her. If Damon hadn't gone to save her Tyler would have never bitten him. If Tyler had never bitten Damon he wouldn't have had to go to Klaus and give himself over and lose his humanity and become a monster. Again.

So, again, _all his fault._

xxxxxx

Elena grins at him, vibrant and happy and free and joyful and this is everything he could ever want, right here before him.

She holds his hand and kisses each finger and smiles seductively and whispers in his ears such beautiful promises, such beautiful lies.

"i will love you 'till the day i die".

xxxxxx

Stefan remembers his mother, once upon a time, before it all started to spiral down, telling him that he had to take care of Damon.

_he's a gentle soul stefan. you know this. you know the war will change him, eat him up inside. you need to be there for him, be his brother, his friend. you need to make sure he doesn't lose himself to the darkness._

When night falls and Elena cuddles against him Stefan feels tears start to fall as he begs for his mother's forgiveness.

xxxxxx

"I love you best."

This lie is whispered against his neck and it's so sweet and beautiful that he almost wants to believe it. He wants to believe he is all there is. He wants to be good enough.

He pulls her close, stares into chocolate eyes and "my love is enough for you?"

Katherine slides her nails down his chest and then to his hair. "You are enough for me."

(He doesn't flinch when he catches her touching Damon's lips).

xxxxxx

Once upon a time Stefan looked into his brother's eyes and promised him, told him calmly and unflinchingly, "I do not want Katherine. She is yours for the taking brother."

He will never forget the look of absolute joy in his brother's paling blue eyes. He doesn't forget it, later that day, as he's pressing Katherine into his bed and trailing wet kisses along her spine.

xxxxxx

Elena, beautiful, amazing not-Katherine, Elena holds him close and wipes away the blood from his mouth and looks at him with eyes free of judgment and pity.

She kisses his neck and he almost flinches – almost. Because that is where Katherine always pressed her warm, dead lips to. Where she whispered her lies into.

"We'll get through this. I swear we'll make it."

He almost believes her.

xxxxxx

Caroline is his new Lexi.

This is clear within the first few weeks of their new friendship. They are both blonde and perfect and bright and light and powerful and magic and they make his insides hurt less.

You see, Elena is dark and beautiful and potent and mystical and just…there are no words.

Caroline and Lexi are the exact opposite. There are words. They're messy and as screwed up as he is. They blunder and fall and cry and know the taste of blood on their own hands and they understand the haunted look his eyes sometimes take when the silence becomes too loud. They are his confident, the person who sits there with clear eyes and doesn't bother with _it'll get better_ or _it takes time_. They sit there and take his hand and _one day it won't burn this much. one day you won't cry yourself to sleep._

They are the sun; all consuming and they burn him. They don't burn like Elena, whose beautiful darkness tries to battle with his own; tries to push it away. No, they burn him in the way that they take his shattered pieces and mold them with their own and _it's okay we can be broken together._

They are why he can look into Elena's eyes when the bloodlust gets to be too much with a bloody mouth and wet eyes and tell her "i'm not afraid".

xxxxxx

Stefan can feel the end coming.

He's had a good run and he's loved so much and has known such greatness. Such sadness and such joy and such beauty. He's lived so many lifetimes and he's ready to meet his maker. He is ready for his certain damnation.

He feels it as he remembers Katherine's beautiful smile and he feels it as he remembers Lexi's powerful words and he feel it as he locks pain-filled eyes with Damon and he feels it as he soothes Caroline and he feels it as he trails kisses along Elena's face.

The end is coming and he's never been more ready to reach it. To taste infinity.

xxxxxx

Damon, with hate in his eyes and blood in his throat looks down at him. He looks down at his brother with hate in his eyes and spits out, "i won't rest until i take away all that you love. i'm going to haunt you 'till the day you die."

Stefan lies there, under his brother's boots and allows the words to enter him, allows them to take shape in his heart and weather in so that way, when Damon makes good on his promise, he knows who to blame and who to hate.

xxxxxx

Lexi peers at him over her deck of cards, smirk firmly in place and tells him, "damon looks better."

He sighs, sets down an ace and shakes his head. "not today. lexi. not my birthday."

She shrugs, her waterfall hair sliding down her shoulders and back and "fine then…how about elena?"

"lexi…"

The smirk slides down along with the cards and she gazes at him with the saddest yet happiest expression he's seen her have in a long time. "she's your someone."

Yes. "maybe."

xxxxxx

Damon, right before he sets off to war clasps his shoulders and tells him point blank, "make me proud while i am away little brother."

Stefan nods, clears his throat against the sadness and "you too."

xxxxxx

This is what kills him:

No matter how much he loves Elena, no matter how much he wants to keep her, how much he wants to love her, he will always love Damon more.

He will always, in some way, pick Damon over her because Damon was his first love and Damon will be his last love.

(He'll pretend differently until he has to).

xxxxxx

Caroline thins her lips and takes his hand, slowly, tentatively. It kind of hurts that she no longer grabs at it like she owns it. Whatever. "I may not know who you are anymore but…I do know that you still love her. Klaus can't touch that, he can't take it away. So I need you to fight for her. Because right now Damon's fighting and…and I think she's going to let him win."

_You will always know who I am._ Instead, the word that leaves his mouth is this, as he pulls away, "Good."

xxxxxx

Katherine, even after all the decades have passed still gazes at him with slight pity in his eyes.

She leans him into a wall and sighs, pressing her nose into his collarbone. "Elena is killing you."

This lie (truth _truth_ **truth**) makes him burn in a new way. "Elena is _healing_ me."

Her eyes get hard, harder than he's ever seen and the next words out of her mouth are going to haunt him forever, they're going to follow him 'till the day he dies. This much he knows. "No. I healed you. I put you back together. I gave you something to love. Elena is poison. She's the kind of person people gravitate to. The kind of person who is very easy to love. But she's also the kind of person who gets those people killed and maimed and forgotten because she can't help it. Listen and listen good Stefan Salvatore, Elena Gilbert is going to eat you alive and not look back once she's done. Want to know why, sweet baby? Because, you and me? _We're_ it. Not you and her. No. We're endgame."

xxxxxx

Damon, once it's all over, once it's all done and there's nothing left but the lucky few, looks over at him with something besides hate in his eyes.

His brother limps over to him with blood splattered over him and a dead weight arm clasps his shoulder and asks "now what, brother?"

Stefan smiles, softly, almost instinctively and looks back over at Elena. Elena with the blood matted hair and haunted eyes and tired grin and Elena with Caroline by her side. Caroline with a broken leg and singed clothes and knotted hair. Both so beautiful and both so amazing and he can almost see the ghosts of two other equally amazing and equally broken women besides them and when he looks back at Damon, Damon who has love and tragedy in his eyes, the choice is easy. As easy as it's always been.

The smile grows.


End file.
